I've Got My Happy Face On

Caretaker’s Log, Friday, May 22, 2015

Gerry is already cooking when I get to the kitchen. I start the coffee. Between the two of us we fixed up homestyle potatoes, sausage, and scrambled eggs. He sets it up buffet style on the table in the dining room. Arnie, Bill, Aaron, and Sandy come and serve their plates. I eat potatoes and scrambled eggs. Arnie does the dishes.

Shortly after breakfast, Arnie, Bill, and Sandy leave.

I hang up sheets and plastic in the kitchen. Aaron is going to finish the sandblasting and buffing and I want to limit the cleanup damage as much as possible.

Gerry goes out to finish digging the trenches for the new propane lines.

I catch up on some things online until it's time to go and try to make the kitchen clean again. I post a blog. I think it's an easy day. Until later.

Lunch is leftover soup and quesadillas, apples and avocado.

The Hydro seems to be working properly today—there isn’t too great a pull on the power with fewer people using power tools. I don't have to run a generator bulk charge.

Aaron starts to sandblast the front of the house. Gerry tears up an old bridge with the backhoe. I sit on a fence post and watch.

I go back inside. The phone rings. It's Porgy calling for Gerry. I go out to give the message. Gerry is geared up to go fishing. He invites me to come along for a walk. At the river, he catches a cutthroat trout. He keeps it long enough for me to take some pictures and then he releases it. It starts to rain little ice pellets. I go back to the lodge. Aaron should be done and I can start to clean the kitchen so that I can make food again in there.

I start cleaning. I'm very thorough. I don't want glass-sand in the food. I don't want it in the house.

JoAnn calls. It's the perfect time. I actually have a moment to chat.

I'm making good headway with the cleaning and just starting to get dinner going when Gerry comes back. Sometimes too much help is no help at all. I was hoping to use up some leftovers. I haven't had a chance to make up new things with the kitchen being out of commission and so much time being spent prepping and cleaning. And since it's only three of us I think I can get away with it. Gerry asks what’s for dinner but doesn't seem to like my answer. He makes other suggestions like spaghetti. I'm going to make tuna for myself and consider sharing with him. When he sees what I'm making he says, "What's that, cat food?" Okay then. I didn't want to share anyway. 

Gerry is also concerned about lunch for the cleaning crew tomorrow. I think he has a crush on one of the ladies and wants to impress her. But the way that he says it, "We need to do something special for lunch tomorrow," makes me feel as if lunch has been subpar for the past two weeks. I had planned to make tomato soup, quesadillas or cheese toast, and a salad. But Gerry doesn't seem to like that menu plan.

He calls Porgy back. Porgy asks if I need anything. I haven't had a chance to do an inventory. I think hastily to try to remember what there is out in the root cellar and in the freezer. What we might need. I can't think of anything. They end the conversation and Gerry begins to ask if we have bread and deli meat and other things. "You better call Porgy back," I say, "and tell him to bring all that stuff." Gerry does. And apparently Porgy says, "Loring brought all these groceries out how could she have used them up already?"

Porgy wants to talk to me. The conversation leaves me angry and frustrated. After I hang up, I try to vent it out, to defuse the feelings. I'm fragile with lack of sleep. It's been a rough week and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Haven't I cooked three meals every day for the last nine days with little to no warning as to how many people will be at the table? Without a blink. Without a complaint. I hate feeling not good enough. I thought I had been doing a good job.

"Don't let Porgy get to you," Gerry says. "Don't let me get to you either."

But the tears have already started. I cry. I try to hold it in so that Gerry doesn't see. I step out of the room and attempt to put my happy face on. When I come back the tears are still in my eyes. Gerry sees them this time. He comes around and puts an arm over my shoulder. Comforting always makes things worse. "Don't worry. Relax. Go get a glass of wine," he says. As if that will fix everything. I go get a glass of wine, but I don't drink it. I only had a light lunch and I know the wine will go straight to my head. I'm angry. Feeling underappreciated. Needing to be alone. Just at that moment, the phone rings. It's Phinehas. "Hey, sis," he says. His voice is cheerful and I want nothing more than to talk to him. But my voice must carry all the emotion I'm feeling because he says, "You sound busy."

"I'm so busy right now," I say, and my voice cracks.

"Well, get back to it," he says and we hang up. I wish I could talk to him. To get all this frustration off my chest, but Gerry is in the room and I know I'll cry.

It doesn't take too long for Gerry and me to get back to a calm place. By the time Aaron comes in for dinner I'm clear faced and seemingly okay. But I'm thinking that maybe I'm not able to do this. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

After dinner, I go out to see how the cat is doing. It's chilly and I'm tired. I don't stay out there nearly long enough for her liking.

Aaron goes to bed. Gerry and I clean up the dishes. Then he and his dog Cody go to bed. I finish the cleanup and shut things down for the night.

Upstairs, I check my email and sort through some things. Then I have my cry. I haven't cried like this since I got a rejection for one of my books that hit me too hard, too personal. I didn't even cry this hard when I was frustrated about the Hydro being broken.

I'm just too tired.

Like a baby, I cry myself to sleep.

Caretaker’s Log,  Saturday, May 23, 2015

I'm up about seven o'clock on my own. I get downstairs and make coffee. I put together omelet fixings for Aaron and me. Gerry has said he'll have oatmeal and make it himself. He does, but I have to watch the pot, stir the oatmeal, and add more water. I feel like he should just let me do my thing. I also hate how petty I feel. I wish I were unshakable, unflappable, easy-going enough to handle anything. Gerry eats before Aaron and I do. I don't know if he's upset or just hungry. I'm still a little angry and wish I could just open my hands and blow the feelings into the open air. Let them dissipate.

I call and leave messages on both Ben and Marie's phones. It's my niece Shea's birthday. She's turning four today. Ben calls back at a perfect time. I get to talk to Shea, goof off with her little bit, and wish her a happy birthday.

I clean up the dishes. Make a salad for lunch. A buddy of mine, Stan, calls to give me a review-critique on my book. His comments are spot on and helpful. All good points. Nothing too hard to fix. We talk for about thirty minutes. While he and I are still talking, Porgy and the cleaning crew arrive. It's about 10:30 in the morning. I go ahead and finish my conversation. This feedback is very important to me. I can be a host after I hang up.

After I hang up, I go introduce myself to Kathy the boss cleaner. Her crew is already hard at work, vacuuming what they are now calling the Great Room and I've called the den, cleaning out the bathroom and the little front room, scouring the piano room. I am so thrilled they are here. I had a bit of fear that I would be asked to clean the entire lodge. I knew it would take me two weeks to do what they do in five hours.

Porgy, Gerry, and I put the system on generator direct. Porgy walks off and Gerry takes me aside. "I told Porgy that we need to be considerate," he tells me with his hand on my arm. It's an apology. Close enough.

I clean things around the cleaners, take out the trash, watch the work being done, sweep, burn trash, reset the breaker over and over again, fix lunch and serve it with a little bit of help from Gerry and Porgy.

Gerry leaves shortly after lunch. Porgy leaves about four o'clock.

The cleaners are done at 4:55 PM. They pack up and drive away. One of them has left a yellow coat. I grab it and run out after them, whistling and waving, but nobody sees. I'll send it out next week with the crew that comes in then.

I go in and walk through all the rooms. I have a great sense of relief that the inside of the lodge is now more or less dust free. I’m happy that the most major part of the work is done. I start putting the kitchen back together. It's beginning to look like the lodge again and not some disaster zone.

I call my grandmother and talk for a while since I have the time.

Aaron still has buffing to do.

Porgy calls to tell me there are a lot of cars out on the road and that it would be a good idea for me to run up to the gate and lock it. Or to have Aaron do it. I’m in the middle of a lot of things and don't want to spare the time to try and drive up the road. Aaron says he will. But the mud is too thick, too slick. All three vehicles are stuck. The gate will just have to stay unlocked and hopefully no unwanted guests will come down.

I get the front room and the piano room back to normal. The kitchen is nearly set. I wash the drain towel and hang it to dry over the fire. Once that happens I'll be able to wash and put away all the dishes.

I record the weather. Take fresh food out to the cat. Then I join Aaron in the sauna. I stay in there for about an hour. The heat is nice. Aaron and I chitchat. On my way back to the lodge, I take a pile of wood with me and talk to the cat.

Before I make up some dinner I get in a quick rinse off in the bath and then go set out leftovers.

I eat salad. Aaron gets brisket and barbecue sauce, salad, soup, potato chips, and cookies.

I leave all the dishes for tomorrow.

I take a glass of wine and go upstairs. Check my email. Watch a show. Chill out. Tomorrow will be easy with just Aaron here. I've got to get a plan in place for next week. Crews will come in again on Tuesday. Up to eight guys. I've got to get my act together.

Caretaker’s Log, Sunday, May 24, 2015

I wake up at 6:30, glance at my clock, then settle in deeper under the covers happy that I can sleep a little bit longer. I get up an hour later.

I scramble up some eggs, fry some bacon for Aaron, and set out bread, jelly, and butter. Aaron comes into the lodge around eight o'clock. After breakfast, I put the dish drain back together and get started on the mountain of dishes. Order is being restored.

Aaron gets his van unstuck from the mud and pulls the compressor out with the backhoe. He was beginning to worry he wouldn't be able to leave with the continuing rain making the roads a muddy mess. But now he's set to go once the work done. We are both relieved about this.

At around 11 o'clock he starts buffing. He still has several hours of work and then the cleanup.

I dust and wipe off the things someone set on the front porch and left there. I put them back in the little entry room where they belong.

The bulk charge runs the way it should.

I even have time today to work a crossword.

I go back out and sweep away the sawdust and glass from off the porches. Try to see what I can do to move things along.

Then I come inside and have some time to look at the pictures my sister-in-law sent by email of yesterday's birthday party for my niece. It was Alice in Wonderland themed and my niece was dressed as Alice, my sister-in-law as the Red Queen, my brother as the Mad Hatter, and my eight month old nephew as the March Hare.

It's Sunday so I water the plants.

I put away the dry dishes. I fix lunch just after one o'clock. Aaron takes an hour rest and then gets back to work. He’s hoping to be finished by six o'clock.

I finish up the dishes.

I get some more down time.

At four o'clock, I start two casseroles going. Boil chicken, grate cheese, open cans, etc.

Aaron leaves at 5:15 PM. He still has a lot to do and will come back next week with another guy to finish the buffing. We all need a day off.

I call my grandmother and report that I will get a day to myself after all. She’s very happy for me.

As I'm cutting up the cooked chicken, I call Phinehas and leave a message on his voicemail.

I finish up the casseroles and wash yet more dishes. The casseroles go in the freezer.

I eat salmon and rice for dinner. Then I record the weather. I write down the kilowatt hours. I bring in some wood and hear the phone ring as I come in. I reach for the receiver, but it was the last ring.

I go outside and spend some quality time with the cat.

Then I head back in. I'm ready to take it easy. The phone rings again. It's my brother Noah. We have a good conversation. He wants me to look at a piece of art he's working on and give advice on a troublesome section.

The pipe that has been leaking all winter long into the catching bucket is now dripping from the ceiling portion of the pipe. I can't tell if it's just condensation or something more major. One of the guys coming out on Tuesday is supposed to fix it. I call Porgy to let him know there are additional problems so that the guy can be sure to bring the right parts.

With the evening set as regards chores and responsibilities, I go take a bath and wash my hair thoroughly. I don't think I've done that for a week.

I feel good now. Calm. Relaxed.

I look at the picture Noah sent and sketch out some hopefully helpful suggestions for him to use.

I bring up the last bag of barbecue PopChips and a glass of wine and sit in bed and watch a show. It's vacation time.

Long Are the Days

Caretaker’s Log, Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Today I didn't have time to write my days events down until the end of the day. It's after ten o'clock and I'm in bed hastily scratching in my notebook before I call it a night.

This morning I wake up before my alarm when I hear someone coming into the lodge. Time to get up. Porgy has started coffee and rolled oats. I make up a batch of green chili eggs and finish the coffee and the rolled oats. Marie calls at 7:30. But I only have a few moments to chat. Breakfast is at eight o'clock.

Afterwards, I post a blog. Then I wash dishes, make Rice Krispies treats, quinoa surpreeze, and start a batch of Karen's orzo salad. It's already lunchtime. I make up a pot of tomato soup—it overflows out of the bowl when I accidentally let it boil too high and spills all over the stove. I make a salad and cheese toast.

I run the generator for the daily bulk charge since the volts aren't high enough for the system to do it automatically with all the power tools being used.

It's a chilly day and the guys slurp down the soup. I tell Sandy and Aaron they’ll be team players if they finish the soup off. I don't want to find room in the fridge for it. They comply. The Rice Krispies treats are a hit. The cheese toast is a hit.

I clean up the lunch dishes.

The guys hang up tarps to try and keep the sandblasting glass and dust out of the lodge. There's already a thick layer of dust in the back rooms and bathroom. A thin layer in the front room, piano room, and all along the floors.

I turn off the generator.

I finish making the orzo salad. I have to get out of the kitchen. I leave some dirty dishes in the sink and go up the road past the first gate until I can barely hear the sound of the machines. I sit on a log and close my eyes. I need a nap. I need some peace and quiet. I'd like for all the work to be done and the workers to leave.

But. That's not to be. Not for now. Maybe not for the rest of the time I'll be here. I go back down and make up a breakfast burrito blend in preparation for tomorrow. Then I clean all the dishes.

It's after four o'clock. I haven't seen the cat all day.

I call my grandmother.

Porgy has fired up the sauna and some of the guys take advantage of the heat to relax. I don't have time today for that.

I record the weather.

I turn on the oven. Phinehas calls. I only have a short time to talk. It's strange being this busy.

Dinner is served around 7:30. Meatloaf, quinoa surpreeze, and salad. Cookies for dessert. Arnie opens up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon that he brought. I haven't had bottled wine since I got here. Plenty of boxed wine, but nothing from a bottle. It's a decent wine. The guys talk world events and tell Jackson bar stories. So much of the world is about fighting.

With enough stories heard by me, I go out and call for the cat. She comes, meowing at me. She eats some food. I go out and sit on a rock and the cat comes to sit in my lap. I stay out there with her for a long time. Enjoying the company. I finish off the glass of wine. Then I go back inside.

Aaron and Sandy want a chess set. I go look around to see if there is one. There isn't, but I find a backgammon set and they take that out their cabin.

Bill has already gone to bed. Porgy and Arnie are still in the lodge. "Did you find cat?" Porgy asks.

I tell him I did and then I ask him about the upcoming jobs. Trying to figure out who's coming in and who's going out. I may get Monday to myself. I may not.

I wash up the dinner dishes. Clean off the tomato soup that overflowed from lunch all over the stove. Check my email. Then I take a glass of wine upstairs. I take a bath and wash my hair.

Wind down. Record the day in my notebook and turn out the light.

Caretaker’s Log, Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Someone comes in the lodge at seven o'clock. Wakes me up. I was finally sleeping well, deeply. But I need to be up to get breakfast ready by eight o'clock.

I get downstairs. It's Bill and Arnie. I get coffee going for the gang, coffee for me, heat up the beef and beans I made up yesterday, Arnie grates the cheese, I scramble a dozen eggs, set out tortillas, sour cream, and guacamole. The rest of the crew finds their way to the table. They all sit down and have breakfast burritos.

"I was really excited about this," Sandy says, motioning to the breakfast burrito fixings.

I work a crossword and have a second cup of coffee before I wash the dishes. Then I gear up and go chop wood. The supply has gotten low.

Marie calls. We chat for just a few minutes. These days I don't have much time to talk. I have to get off the phone and start lunch.

Before I do that, I take a quick bath. Then I set the table, cut up apples, get some soup warming on the stove, set out bread and lunchmeat for sandwiches, and go outside to ring the bell for lunch. Kip arrives during lunch, but he's already eaten. I run the generator for the daily bulk charge.

After the cleanup, I make a batch of cookies and prepare kale salad. More dishes to wash.

I check my email. Call my grandmother.

The ends of the days are tough. Tiring. I wish for alone time.

I sit on the porch for a little bit. There are little flying bugs, not mosquitoes, swarming the air in front of me. Aaron and Sandy are sifting the glass-sand in the enclosed porch that used to be the cat's.

I go back inside and start prepping for dinner. Michaela calls. We talk for just a brief moment. I see the guys heading over to the sauna. I could use a good dry heat relax, but there isn't enough time.

Kip comes in and we chitchat. The casserole is in the oven. The salad is made. The table already set. One by one, the guys filter in with beers in hand. Eventually the casserole is heated and dinner is served. Kip has brought leftover salmon and I add it to the kale salad. The guys exclaim over the dinner. I admit I am please. The casserole is a favorite. It's a good casserole. One of my mom's recipes. The fresh cookies make the rounds. I excuse myself and go find the cat.

She's waiting for me near the barn. We sit together on a rock. It's my favorite part of these days. When all the work is done, the earth is settling down, the quiet is descending, the cat purring.

Gerry has returned and he's brought his dog Cody. As they walk by the cat growls.

When I go back inside, Kip, Porgy, and Gerry are doing the dishes. I voice my delight and Gerry says, "This is a good reason to get married."

"So I can have a man to wash the dishes?" I ask.

Gerry’s eyes twinkle. Porgy turns from the sink and said, "I bet you've had a lot of proposals."

It's a nice compliment in a weird sort of way.

Aaron and Sandy go off to bed. Bill has already gone. Porgy, Arnie, Kip, Gerry, and I sit around and talk and drink. They tease each other and tell stories. Eventually they all go off to bed.

I shut things down and make sure things are off. In a fumbling fit, I drop my usual wine glass, a small measured Mason jar, it cracks into a million pieces. I had wondered when I would break something. Now that’s out of the way. I sweep it up and go to bed.

Caretaker’s Log, Thursday, May 21, 2015

Someone is up and banging doors at 6:30. Just five more minutes, I groan. I get up and am downstairs by seven o'clock.

It's a gorgeous sunshiny day. The first one in a long time.

Of all the guys, Gerry is the most helpful. He fries up the sausage while I scramble eggs and set the table and stir the rolled oats that Porgy had started. Breakfast is eaten. I start the cleanup at 8:15.

The guys are going to sandblast the front which means the kitchen will be off-limits for a few hours. Because of that there's not a lot I can do. So I gear up and go for an hour hike up the dam road and then over the hills toward Bacon Ridge. It's too pretty a day not to be out in it. Along the way I see wolf tracks. Maybe a coyote’s. Maybe a fox’s.

I walk until a rise obscures the view of the ranch and I can no longer hear the sound of machines. I sit on a rock and listened to the river, the birds, the bumbling buzz of a bumblebee.

Then I head back. The guys are still prepping to sandblast the front so I throw together a hasty lunch while the kitchen is more or less usable. Sandwiches, soup, fruit. When it's all done the guys get back to work. I leave the lunch dishes in the sink. I’ll wash up when I can clear things up and put out the dish drain again.

Some of the guys will leave tonight. Another group leaves tomorrow. The cleaning crew will arrive Saturday morning. There's a good chance that I'll have Sunday and Monday to myself. There's also the possibility that I won't. I'm crossing my fingers. Porgy will come back on Tuesday and a group of propane guys will show up on Wednesday. Next week is going to be a busy week. As the days lengthen and the frozen meals I’d premade get eaten up, I wonder what I've gotten myself for.

I start the generator bulk charge. Then with some free time on my hands, I fire up the sauna. I even get in the river once. The water is cold and brisk. Then I alternate between the sauna and the sunshine. It's a nice respite even with the machine noise. After a while, I go up and take a quick bath. I stop the generator. I walk around and take some pictures of the progress.

The power tools have really worked the system and there is an overcurrent. Porgy gets the system back up and running before he leaves. Kip has already left.

I call my grandmother.

I clean up the glass-sand out of the kitchen the best that I can so I can start dinner. I heat up a meatloaf, make a salad, bake some corn on the cob.

Gerry shopvacs a good portion of the lodge to try to prevent us all from tracking the dust around everywhere. More than it has already been tracked around. I'm grateful there are cleaners coming in and that the cleaning job is not left to me.

I eat tuna and cheese for my dinner while I'm preparing theirs. I was starting to get grouchy. The noise and dust and people are getting to me. The end of the day is the hardest.

I serve up the food. Aaron has gone to Pinedale to get more diesel fuel. It's only Gerry, Bill, and Sandy for dinner. While they eat I go outside. I've seen the cat is out. I sit on the rock and she sits in my lap. Then we do a little walk around.

I go back inside. Gerry says he will make home fries in the morning so I go out to the root cellar to get potatoes and onion. I'm talking the cat into going with me when Gerry comes our way. The cat growls, hisses, spits, bares her teeth. She looks my way once and gives a very plaintive meow. Gerry tries to sweet talk her and she calms down, but she doesn't go near him.

"Are you going to take that cat with you to the other ranch?" Gerry asks.

"No," I say.

"She seems pretty attached."

"I think she likes Laura well enough," I say. I can't carry my attachments around with me.

When Gerry has gone, the cat and I get in our root cellar walk. She checks out everything along the way, sniffing equipment and venturing into the newly dug trenches. When we get back to the barn, I tell her good night, to her disappointment, and go inside to clean the dishes up.

Sandy tells me that he and Aaron had talked about my cooking—how nice it was to be hard at work all day and get three good meals. Aaron gets back from Pinedale. He and Sandy head off to bed. Bill has already gone. Gerry and Arnie stay up talking. I go on up to the loft. Their voices drifted through the ceiling and I wish they would wrap up their conversation.

There's a mouse in my room going after the soap I left on the floor. I had to clean out the bathroom since that wall will be sandblasted soon.

About ten minutes later, Gerry and Arnie leave the lodge. Quiet descends. I fall asleep quickly.