Quarantine
Diary
From
California
As
the days go by and as situations necessitate, the household’s quarantine circle
shifts. Enlarging to add a few where need dictates and shrinking again on the
other side as others don’t want their circle expanded any larger.
From
a soaring bird’s eye perspective, it’s interesting to watch the surge and fall
of emotions within myself. It’s interesting to see how the people around me
deal with their own feelings and the events that surround us all. Viewing
myself as a test subject, I see how after a couple weeks of elevated stress levels
my mouth breaks out in sores, the pain in my body rises, and my thoughts become
more focused on basics such as what to eat, where and how to get my movement
in, and how to sleep as soundly as possible. A survival mode of sorts.
And
then as the stress reduces (partly through the body’s natural down-regulation,
partly through the easing of stressors, and partly my own work through
meditation, thinking, and perspective), how different the days feel. The mouth
heals back up. The pain levels, if not vanished, at least are less inflamed. Better.
The days go on with more laughter. With a little more creativity.
Times
like now, I wish I were a better recorder of events. So that I could link cause
and effect more effectively for my own store of self-knowledge. But I’m a
haphazard recorder. Riding the ups and downs and looking back for hindsight to
instruct.
Still,
I’m trying my best to use my life, reactions, and experiences as tools to help
me operate at my most optimal level. Whatever that is. However that exhibits—speaking
up when it’s right to do so, blending in, chameleon style, when that’s better,
not overthinking, clarifying things that need to be clarified. To that end,
knowing my own triggers, motivators, and limits helps me in the long run. And
in the short run as well. Even when it seems I’m failing, I’m learning. And,
then in those beautiful moments, and on those glorious days that come when they
come I do my best to remember them as the yin to a yang. As the joy of contrast.
To record the glory alongside the pain. To always remember what it is to be
alive.
The
Quarantine Diaries picks up again on April 28th. The noted daily
activities do not document the entire day’s list of activities, but often
highlight the main things that set the day apart from others. The rest is my
thoughts as they come, sometimes random, often unconnected, and mostly unedited.
4.28.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Michaela’s birthday.
Talked with Michaela. Talked with Siafu. Fridge broke. S and A went to get a
new one. Put up shade sheets in green house with A. Salmon for dinner. Read to
girls The Silver Chair.
4.29.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Hard start to
day. Tired. Extra A.M. meditation. Body hurts. Talked to Amy. Read some.
Journaled some. Neighborhood walk 2.63 miles. Read to girls. Watched The Masked
Singer.
4.29.20 11:18 A.M.
The
key is to always be yourself.
And
if you don’t like that person
change.
I
can only change me. I can’t change those around me. Maybe I can influence how
interactions go, but I cannot control another’s response – even if it’s anger
or even if the anger is directed at me. I do not want to be under someone’s
thumb. Under someone’s rule. It’s that patriarchal bullshit. Where all the
subjects cater to the moods and storms of one. I don’t want to be in that
position. Shame. Guilt. Anger. Disappointment. Tippy toeing.
Forget
that.
Forgive
myself. Boundaries are love.
You’re
okay.
Feeling
like I’ve lost connection. Waiting to connect. Feeling a distance or a lack.
But too much in my own head. Too much pressure on my feelings to fix what might
not even be my broken plate to fix.
Change
your thoughts, change your world.
4.29.20
11:40 A.M.
Shake
the laundry out
Hang
it out to dry
Let
it float in the wind.
Pain
is here right now.
And,
as so often, with it comes
more
uncertainty
Fighting
the pull of chaos
Threads
that link
and bind
4.29.20
11:50 A.M.
Does
what you say, do, believe lift up or bring down?
Does
it strengthen rather than weaken?
Does
it build up rather than destroy?
Does
it help rather than hurt?
4.30.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Body hurts.
Felt unsettled. New fridge delivered. It’s the wrong fridge. Talked to Dad.
Tried to call Marie. Left message for Phinehas. 2.24 mile walk. Finished
reading The Silver Chair to the girls. Enacted a The Masked Singer show with
fam.
5.1.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Posted Patreon
stats. Little bit of work on new book jokingly titled Newt Rogers Saves the Day
(NRSD). Correct new fridge delivered. Talked to Phin. Marie texted. 3.04 mile trail
loop. Started reading The Horse and His Boy to the girls. S and A went to
Safeway. Watched Sing.
5.2.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Cleaned. NRSD 3
pages/735 words. Read to girls. Read. No exercise. Tired. Hurting.
5.2.20
9:36 P.M.
A
week full of emotion
My own
buffeted
by another’s anger –
lets
it out
to
fill the room like smoke
to
burn the air like fire
I
feel it, 2nd degree burns, and wonder: what can I learn from this?
How
can I learn not to breathe the anger in with the room temperature air?
Anger
makes me want to run.
If
it comes down to it, my body wants flight over fight.
Better
today.
Maybe
also, I’m more used to the pain in my body.
Or
even better, maybe it’s less. Could be.
There’s
also fresh vegetables and fruit again – a time of beautiful abundance.
5.2.20
9:44 P.M.
“You
bickered with your siblings though,” Leanza says when we’re talking about how
unpleasant bickering is.
“I
did,” I say.
And
later, I remember the time my brother Ben and I were fighting over possession
of a precious little green metal lock. A key went with it.
My
dad took it and then called us into the room. He had a hammer in one hand and
the lock on a surface nearby.
“I’ll
smash it,” he said.
“Okay,”
I said with a shrug.
But
Ben said, “No, don’t smash it, she can have it.”
My
dad gave Ben the lock.
And
I’ve never exactly gotten over having lost that game of Solomon’s Judgment. It
felt like a matter of soul. A matter of goodness. And, in that moment, I
failed.
5.3.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Nice lazy A.M. Stevie’s
parents over all day. Spent most of time outside together. Read. NRSD 4/941.
Talked briefly to Michaela.
5.3.20
Dreamed
about meeting Mister Rogers.
At first,
I was at Uncle Jeff’s. We’d come over in his big truck and there was keys and
unlocking and locking of doors. There were a lot of people at the house. At
some point, I had to get my sandwich out of the truck.
Mister
Rogers was nice. It was like Uncle Jeff and he exchanged places like so often
happens in dreams.
5.3.20
9:11 P.M.
We
do what’s right because it’s right, not for a reward.
5.4.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Did laundry.
NRSD 5/1225. Talked to Siafu. Nancy called – baby is a girl! Finished reading
The Horse and His Boy to the girls. Started The Magician’s Nephew. After dinner
stroll 0.91 miles. Read.
5.4.20
10:00 A.M.
All
these dreams. A baby with two different colored eyes. My own child but with no
dream explanation of it.
Then
I am back in college. 3 credit hours. But I haven’t registered yet and I go to
see one of the professors whose class I’d failed sometime in the past, in
another dream, and he’s kept a log of all of us who have failed.
But
it feels nice to meet up with him again. To apologize for the past class, to
anticipate this one.
Stress
dreams that are gentle around the edges.
I
wake up in a good mood.
5.5.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Amy.
Talked to Michaela. Worked on NRSD 5/1298. Watched vids about photographers.
Short walk with Leanza 1.00 mile. Read to girls. Emailed Tim. Watched more
vids. Watched video with Shane Smith interviewing Edward Snowden.
5.5.20
10:39 P.M.
My
sister says she’s only pursuing what feels good.
It’s
much less hedonistic than it sounds.
I
bring that up because I’m tired of the pulling weight of messages of fear,
hopelessness, and paranoia.
I’m
not against being cautious. Being wise as serpents and gentle as doves.
Watched
videos about adventure photographers and wildlife photographers and seeing the
beauty of the earth and the beauty of the spirit of humanity – makes me feel
good.
Direct
opposite of The sky is falling.
Still,
I don’t want my civil liberties and my right to privacy to be hemmed in. Now is
the time to make changes. For all of us. To the betterment of the whole world.
Not just a part. Not just for the few.
I
wish I knew exactly how to make that happen.
5.6.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked twice to
Michaela. Talked to Mom. Hike on Columbia trail 5.15 miles. Glorious day.
Finished reading The Magician’s Nephew to the girls. NRSD 6/1386.
5.6.20
6:49 P.M.
A
glorious walk on a trail that felt both inviting and unknown. The mixture of
feeling like I know where I am and that I have no idea where exactly I might
end up. Exhilarated and achieved on my return. Felt like anything was possible.
All options open. Even had an insight for the story I want to write.
Didn’t
lose that feeling, not entirely.
Anyway,
I didn’t sleep well last night. Hard to fall asleep. Many wakings—so I can’t
take anything to heart until I’ve got a better night’s rest under my belt. Stevie
asks me about my plans for after all this. Still unknown. I mention that Oregon
is an option and he wonders aloud if trains and buses are running. I hope that’s
not a subtle hint I’m missing or choosing to miss.
What
can I learn? How can I change? What can I do?
How
can I make my life fully my own? Where I don’t overstay my welcome—quarantine or
no quarantine. For one, don’t be so goddam sensitive. Not approaching, not
engaging, not having the perhaps tough conversations is a fear response. A self-defense
tucking my head into a turtle shell. Protected.
This
is a hard time for everyone.
Feelings
are waves. Up and down. Complicated.
Relationships
are sometimes the same.
5.7.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. JoAnn’s
birthday. Margaret’s birthday. Texted Margaret. Talked to Siafu, Michaela,
Gmama, JoAnn, Phin. Read to girls. Worked on Mother’s Day cards. Balanced bank
books. Got Chinese food for dinner. Watched Hidden Figures.
5.7.20
9:17 A.M.
Sitting
to find some stillness within myself.
Calm.
Center.
Change
your thoughts, change your world.
What
can I control?
In
the here and the now.
5.7.20
9:50 P.M.
Strange
day. On the verge of tears but feeling mostly okay. Torn between what I can do
and all the rest.
Stevie
had found out that I’m not covered for driving on their insurance so I’m not
able to take myself off to the store.
For
the first time, for a moment, felt like I am really locked in. But then later, I
feel more at peace. And it’s fun. All of us outside, having ordered Chinese
food. So many things (all things?) are just our own interpretations of our own
emotional responses.
5.8.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Stevie picked
up vegan food and treats. Watched vids as research for NRSD. Talked to Amy.
Talked to Gmama. 3.85 miles walk/hike. Annabelle came over. Started working a
puzzle.
5.9.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Cleaned.
Watched Tales by Light episodes. Read a little to girls.
5.10.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Mother’s Day.
Talked to Mom and Grandmama. 4.83 mile hike with Alma, Annabelle, and SJ. Stevie’s
parents over.
5.10.20
9:42 P.M.
Surged
with emotion. Some friends’ 15-year-old sister has been missing for 36 hours.
A
full day of conversation.
A 2 ½
hour walk to start out the day – out among the trees, with the earth underfoot.
Trying
to work a story into being in my head. Trembling, unsteady piece by piece. Nothing
is completely gelling yet.
Life
is about shifting moments, tectonic plates colliding and veering away from each
other.
Here
where flux is so often in full motion, it has slowed but starts in fits and bursts.
5.11.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Some research vids
for NRSD. Went with Alma to Costco and Sprouts. Got groceries. Did laundry. Finished
reading The Last Battle to girls. Benny (young cousin) over. Watched The Lion,
the Witch, and the Wardrobe with girls.
5.11.20
9:43 P.M.
My
friends’ sister is found. Alive. More details than that I don’t have. As Aslan
told multiple characters in the Narnian Chronicles, “Child, I am telling you
your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.” [The Horse and His
Boy by C.S. Lewis page 114]
And
that’s a cause for gladness.
5.12.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Some reading.
Some Patreon work. Some video watching. 1.57 mile walk. Made coconut curry for
dinner. Started reading The Phantom Tollbooth to girls.
5.13.12
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Amy,
Mom, Michaela, Gmama. Read to girls. 1.50 mile walk. Zoom birthday call for Kelsey
and Kyley’s birthday. Watched The Masked Singer.
5.13.20
11:29 A.M.
It’s
interesting because life is always in flux – somehow, to some extent. But this
flux becomes a learning of how to roll with the waves, how to adapt. Sticking
to a routine feels tough.
5.14.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Michaela.
Talked to Siafu. Made card for Mom’s birthday. Fossil searching with Alma and
the girls. Cousin Joey over. 2.06 mile walk. Read.
5.15.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Joey and Benny
over. Stevie using his new smoker. Read. Sushi for lunch. 3.06 mile walk. Audrey
over in afternoon. Alma went for a birthday drive-by for a coworker.
5.15.20
11:45 A.M.
The
snow globe has been shaken and now the false snow drifts down from its swirl. I
drift to rest not sure what my new landscape will look like. Cousins added to
circle. Changes in schedule. The backyard now a frequented spot by more than
just me and the dog. Trying to lay hold of my own routine, my own creative
purpose. Isn’t being alive enough? Yes and no. No for me. For myself. For my
own expectations and plans.
Leaf
shadows dance on the dark arms of the tree outside my window.
I’ve
lost the thread of the story I thought I might write.
The
character fades into a silhouette. Does this other character take his place?
Nothing
sounds good to eat because what I really want is avocado toast or honeyed and
buttered toast. And while I might want it, I choose not to have it.
Stirrings
to Do. Walk a long way. Settle into some work. Read productively. Serve some purpose.
Don’t be wasted. Don’t be a waste.
Tired
like I’ve expended energy in an all-out effort. My body some type of weather gauge.
5.16.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Mom’s birthday.
Talked to Mom. Waffles and egg brunch. Cleaned. Read two chapters of The Phantom
Tollbooth to girls. Started reading The Testaments by Margaret Atwood. Watched
the 2020 Graduation on TV with fam. Watched The Voice. NRSD restart 3.
5.16.20
9:29 A.M.
“Ten
thousand flowers in spring,
the
moon in autumn,
a
cool breeze in summer,
snow
in winter.
If
your mind isn’t clouded by
unnecessary
things, this is
the
best season of your life.”
Wu
Men Hui-k’ai
[heard
in a meditation led by Tara Brach]
5.16.20
11:29 P.M.
Mom’s
birthday.
Here
there was laughter. An effervescent thing – like fizzy lifting juice. Takes you
higher.
5.17.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Read in room.
Allergies acting up today. Tired. Joey and Benny over. Annabelle over. Talked
to Phin, Gmama, Mic. Read to girls. Worked puzzle with Annabelle and SJ. Watched
part of The Greatest Showman. Zmata Aaron drove by to pick up some smoked meat
from Stevie.
5.18.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to
Marie. Talked to Dad. Talked to Michaela. 1.60 miles walk while on phone.
Finished reading The Testaments. Received rejection from agent who had requested
full manuscript. Finished reading The Phantom Tollbooth to girls. Started a
fantasy-world-mashup story write-in with girls. Did a good part of an Orange Theory
workout with A and S and Joey.
5.19.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Worked on blog.
Talked to Michaela. Talked to Siafu. 2.34 mile neighborhood walk. Talked to
Gmama. Played Uno Flip with the girls. Alma made butternut squash soup. NRSD
Restart #4 1 page/113 words. Started reading A Wrinkle in Time to girls.
5.19.20
Afternoon
Sharing
the details of my daily life gives me a belly exposed feeling of vulnerability.
There are layers of protection I put up even in my personal writings. I notice
this. When typing this out, there’s even more desire to add layers, to cut, to
edit, to conceal. To make a narrative, to interpret. There is also always the
desire to shield others’ privacy.
5.20.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Amy.
Texted with Marie and Rachel. Talked to Michaela. Talked to Mom. Worked on blog
and NRSD. NRSD 2/624. 1.03 mile walk. Sore from Orange Theory workout. Read to
girls. After-dinner writing sesh with girls. Hot tub.
5.20.20
10:48 A.M.
The
power is out.
The
kids are playing a game.
When
they finish, we’ll read.
Which
is, of course, contingent upon the power coming on again.
Laughter
in the house today.
The
power comes back on. So regular day is also back on. Reading will likely happen
later.
The
6-year-old cousin tells me, “I liked the story you were reading yesterday.” He
got to hear part of The Phantom Tollbooth.
Is
that what influence is? Passing on the love for story, reading, books?
5.20.20
10:59 A.M.
It’s
time to tunnel my focus.
To
set up exactly what I want to do – and then do it.
For
my work, mostly.
But
also, it might be time to roll on like a tumbleweed.
Soon.
Feeling
comfortable here though, today. In this familiar place. Even with the change
and flux. Today feels calm. Nice. Companionable.
Thinking
about an ideal:
Quiet
place to work on a new book.
Space
to work in and space to create routine – Funny to think that I want to go
further in when so many want to break out and away.
Close
to fresh foods. Room to keep fresh stuff in fridge and on counters.
Nature-y
places to walk.
Remembering
fondly last summer’s Fort Worth apartment.
5.21.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Listened to Health
Theory podcast interviewing Andrew Huberman. Meditated for World Meditation Day.
A and SJ dropped off and picked up end of year school stuff. Made gluten free strawberry
rhubarb pie. Read to girls. Talked to Gmama. 1.25 mile neighborhood walk.
Stevie picked up new puppy. NRSD 3/805.
5.21.20
9:54 P.M.
There
is great excitement at the arrival of the puppy. Mila. Some terrier thing. Her
head dark like someone started to color her in and then got bored leaving the
body white except for one ink-blot spot on her back.
Bandito
is not thrilled initially. Poor old thing.
But
he gets into the excitement too. Wears himself out.
Puppies
running is a funny thing. Puppy antics.
It’s
going to be crazy around here.
5.22.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to
Nancy. Worked on blog. Worked on NRSD 3/937. 2.71 mile walk. Talked to Gmama. Stevie
and Alma picked up puppy supplies. Brought dinner in. Read to girls. Played
games.
5.22.20
8:59 A.M.
Escandalo,
SJ sings at breakfast.
A
dance party might be the thing we all need.
I
slept with earplugs in to veil the in and out during the night for the puppy.
It’s still not uninterrupted, my sleep.
Stevie
says he’s sleep deprived.
Children
and puppies will keep you up.
5.23.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Shea’s
birthday. Left message for Shea. Cleaned. Worked on blog. Spoke with Shea aka
Yoko. Worked on blog. Worked on NRSD 4/1154. Joey, Audrey, Benny over. Jeff and
David over. Annabelle over. Outside social distancing togetherness. Talked to
Gmama, Michaela, Uncle Jeff. After dinner conversations with Alma, Annabelle, and
Stevie.
5.23.20
1:36 P.M.
And
just like that my niece is nine. This time last year I got to celebrate in
person with her. This year, a phone call and a mailed bday book will have to
do.
5.24.20
Day Summary
Superbrain
yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Finished
reading A Wrinkle in Time with girls. Cousins over for outside social
distancing. Worked on blog. Worked on NRSD 5/1379. Watched last half of Harry
Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with the girls. Watched The Freedom Writers
with Alma and Stevie.
5.24.20
10:18 A.M. and then 5:59 P.M.
A dream
about the danger of snakes.
Having
to watch where I put my feet. Knowing, in the dream, that I will get bitten on
the foot or on the ankle and die. Or something. A bit of fear, of apprehension,
but still I go about in the dream looking for something, trying to accomplish something.
Going about my life even with snakes appearing out of piles of clothes or
through holes in the wall.
