Dear Diary: It's Not You, It's Me

Quarantine Diary

From California

As the days go by and as situations necessitate, the household’s quarantine circle shifts. Enlarging to add a few where need dictates and shrinking again on the other side as others don’t want their circle expanded any larger.

From a soaring bird’s eye perspective, it’s interesting to watch the surge and fall of emotions within myself. It’s interesting to see how the people around me deal with their own feelings and the events that surround us all. Viewing myself as a test subject, I see how after a couple weeks of elevated stress levels my mouth breaks out in sores, the pain in my body rises, and my thoughts become more focused on basics such as what to eat, where and how to get my movement in, and how to sleep as soundly as possible. A survival mode of sorts.

And then as the stress reduces (partly through the body’s natural down-regulation, partly through the easing of stressors, and partly my own work through meditation, thinking, and perspective), how different the days feel. The mouth heals back up. The pain levels, if not vanished, at least are less inflamed. Better. The days go on with more laughter. With a little more creativity.

Times like now, I wish I were a better recorder of events. So that I could link cause and effect more effectively for my own store of self-knowledge. But I’m a haphazard recorder. Riding the ups and downs and looking back for hindsight to instruct.   

Still, I’m trying my best to use my life, reactions, and experiences as tools to help me operate at my most optimal level. Whatever that is. However that exhibits—speaking up when it’s right to do so, blending in, chameleon style, when that’s better, not overthinking, clarifying things that need to be clarified. To that end, knowing my own triggers, motivators, and limits helps me in the long run. And in the short run as well. Even when it seems I’m failing, I’m learning. And, then in those beautiful moments, and on those glorious days that come when they come I do my best to remember them as the yin to a yang. As the joy of contrast. To record the glory alongside the pain. To always remember what it is to be alive.

The Quarantine Diaries picks up again on April 28^th. The noted daily activities do not document the entire day’s list of activities, but often highlight the main things that set the day apart from others. The rest is my thoughts as they come, sometimes random, often unconnected, and mostly unedited.

4.28.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Michaela’s birthday. Talked with Michaela. Talked with Siafu. Fridge broke. S and A went to get a new one. Put up shade sheets in green house with A. Salmon for dinner. Read to girls The Silver Chair.

4.29.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Hard start to day. Tired. Extra A.M. meditation. Body hurts. Talked to Amy. Read some. Journaled some. Neighborhood walk 2.63 miles. Read to girls. Watched The Masked Singer.

4.29.20 11:18 A.M.

The key is to always be yourself.

And if you don’t like that person

change.

I can only change me. I can’t change those around me. Maybe I can influence how interactions go, but I cannot control another’s response – even if it’s anger or even if the anger is directed at me. I do not want to be under someone’s thumb. Under someone’s rule. It’s that patriarchal bullshit. Where all the subjects cater to the moods and storms of one. I don’t want to be in that position. Shame. Guilt. Anger. Disappointment. Tippy toeing.

Forget that.

Forgive myself. Boundaries are love.

You’re okay.

Feeling like I’ve lost connection. Waiting to connect. Feeling a distance or a lack. But too much in my own head. Too much pressure on my feelings to fix what might not even be my broken plate to fix.

Change your thoughts, change your world.

4.29.20 11:40 A.M.

Shake the laundry out

Hang it out to dry

Let it float in the wind.

Pain is here right now.

And, as so often, with it comes

more uncertainty

Fighting the pull of chaos

Threads that link

and bind

4.29.20 11:50 A.M.

Does what you say, do, believe lift up or bring down?

Does it strengthen rather than weaken?

Does it build up rather than destroy?

Does it help rather than hurt?

4.30.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Body hurts. Felt unsettled. New fridge delivered. It’s the wrong fridge. Talked to Dad. Tried to call Marie. Left message for Phinehas. 2.24 mile walk. Finished reading The Silver Chair to the girls. Enacted a The Masked Singer show with fam.

5.1.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Posted Patreon stats. Little bit of work on new book jokingly titled Newt Rogers Saves the Day (NRSD). Correct new fridge delivered. Talked to Phin. Marie texted. 3.04 mile trail loop. Started reading The Horse and His Boy to the girls. S and A went to Safeway. Watched Sing.

5.2.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Cleaned. NRSD 3 pages/735 words. Read to girls. Read. No exercise. Tired. Hurting.

5.2.20 9:36 P.M.

A week full of emotion

My own

buffeted by another’s anger –

lets it out

to fill the room like smoke

to burn the air like fire

I feel it, 2^nd degree burns, and wonder: what can I learn from this?

How can I learn not to breathe the anger in with the room temperature air?

Anger makes me want to run.

If it comes down to it, my body wants flight over fight.

Better today.

Maybe also, I’m more used to the pain in my body.

Or even better, maybe it’s less. Could be.

There’s also fresh vegetables and fruit again – a time of beautiful abundance.

5.2.20 9:44 P.M.

“You bickered with your siblings though,” Leanza says when we’re talking about how unpleasant bickering is.

“I did,” I say.

And later, I remember the time my brother Ben and I were fighting over possession of a precious little green metal lock. A key went with it.

My dad took it and then called us into the room. He had a hammer in one hand and the lock on a surface nearby.

“I’ll smash it,” he said.

“Okay,” I said with a shrug.

But Ben said, “No, don’t smash it, she can have it.”

My dad gave Ben the lock.

And I’ve never exactly gotten over having lost that game of Solomon’s Judgment. It felt like a matter of soul. A matter of goodness. And, in that moment, I failed.

5.3.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Nice lazy A.M. Stevie’s parents over all day. Spent most of time outside together. Read. NRSD 4/941. Talked briefly to Michaela.

5.3.20

Dreamed about meeting Mister Rogers.

At first, I was at Uncle Jeff’s. We’d come over in his big truck and there was keys and unlocking and locking of doors. There were a lot of people at the house. At some point, I had to get my sandwich out of the truck.

Mister Rogers was nice. It was like Uncle Jeff and he exchanged places like so often happens in dreams.

5.3.20 9:11 P.M.

We do what’s right because it’s right, not for a reward.

5.4.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Did laundry. NRSD 5/1225. Talked to Siafu. Nancy called – baby is a girl! Finished reading The Horse and His Boy to the girls. Started The Magician’s Nephew. After dinner stroll 0.91 miles. Read.

5.4.20 10:00 A.M.

All these dreams. A baby with two different colored eyes. My own child but with no dream explanation of it.

Then I am back in college. 3 credit hours. But I haven’t registered yet and I go to see one of the professors whose class I’d failed sometime in the past, in another dream, and he’s kept a log of all of us who have failed.

But it feels nice to meet up with him again. To apologize for the past class, to anticipate this one.

Stress dreams that are gentle around the edges.

I wake up in a good mood.

5.5.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Amy. Talked to Michaela. Worked on NRSD 5/1298. Watched vids about photographers. Short walk with Leanza 1.00 mile. Read to girls. Emailed Tim. Watched more vids. Watched video with Shane Smith interviewing Edward Snowden.

5.5.20 10:39 P.M.

My sister says she’s only pursuing what feels good.

It’s much less hedonistic than it sounds.

I bring that up because I’m tired of the pulling weight of messages of fear, hopelessness, and paranoia.

I’m not against being cautious. Being wise as serpents and gentle as doves.

Watched videos about adventure photographers and wildlife photographers and seeing the beauty of the earth and the beauty of the spirit of humanity – makes me feel good.

Direct opposite of The sky is falling.

Still, I don’t want my civil liberties and my right to privacy to be hemmed in. Now is the time to make changes. For all of us. To the betterment of the whole world. Not just a part. Not just for the few.

I wish I knew exactly how to make that happen.

5.6.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked twice to Michaela. Talked to Mom. Hike on Columbia trail 5.15 miles. Glorious day. Finished reading The Magician’s Nephew to the girls. NRSD 6/1386.

5.6.20 6:49 P.M.

A glorious walk on a trail that felt both inviting and unknown. The mixture of feeling like I know where I am and that I have no idea where exactly I might end up. Exhilarated and achieved on my return. Felt like anything was possible. All options open. Even had an insight for the story I want to write.

Didn’t lose that feeling, not entirely.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep well last night. Hard to fall asleep. Many wakings—so I can’t take anything to heart until I’ve got a better night’s rest under my belt. Stevie asks me about my plans for after all this. Still unknown. I mention that Oregon is an option and he wonders aloud if trains and buses are running. I hope that’s not a subtle hint I’m missing or choosing to miss.

What can I learn? How can I change? What can I do?

How can I make my life fully my own? Where I don’t overstay my welcome—quarantine or no quarantine. For one, don’t be so goddam sensitive. Not approaching, not engaging, not having the perhaps tough conversations is a fear response. A self-defense tucking my head into a turtle shell. Protected.

This is a hard time for everyone.

Feelings are waves. Up and down. Complicated.

Relationships are sometimes the same.   

5.7.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. JoAnn’s birthday. Margaret’s birthday. Texted Margaret. Talked to Siafu, Michaela, Gmama, JoAnn, Phin. Read to girls. Worked on Mother’s Day cards. Balanced bank books. Got Chinese food for dinner. Watched Hidden Figures.

5.7.20 9:17 A.M.

Sitting to find some stillness within myself.

Calm. Center.

Change your thoughts, change your world.

What can I control?

In the here and the now.

5.7.20 9:50 P.M.

Strange day. On the verge of tears but feeling mostly okay. Torn between what I can do and all the rest.

Stevie had found out that I’m not covered for driving on their insurance so I’m not able to take myself off to the store.

For the first time, for a moment, felt like I am really locked in. But then later, I feel more at peace. And it’s fun. All of us outside, having ordered Chinese food. So many things (all things?) are just our own interpretations of our own emotional responses.

5.8.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Stevie picked up vegan food and treats. Watched vids as research for NRSD. Talked to Amy. Talked to Gmama. 3.85 miles walk/hike. Annabelle came over. Started working a puzzle.

5.9.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Cleaned. Watched Tales by Light episodes. Read a little to girls.

5.10.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Mother’s Day. Talked to Mom and Grandmama. 4.83 mile hike with Alma, Annabelle, and SJ. Stevie’s parents over.

5.10.20 9:42 P.M.

Surged with emotion. Some friends’ 15-year-old sister has been missing for 36 hours.

A full day of conversation.

A 2 ½ hour walk to start out the day – out among the trees, with the earth underfoot.

Trying to work a story into being in my head. Trembling, unsteady piece by piece. Nothing is completely gelling yet.

Life is about shifting moments, tectonic plates colliding and veering away from each other.

Here where flux is so often in full motion, it has slowed but starts in fits and bursts.

5.11.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Some research vids for NRSD. Went with Alma to Costco and Sprouts. Got groceries. Did laundry. Finished reading The Last Battle to girls. Benny (young cousin) over. Watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe with girls.

5.11.20 9:43 P.M.

My friends’ sister is found. Alive. More details than that I don’t have. As Aslan told multiple characters in the Narnian Chronicles, “Child, I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.” [The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis page 114]

And that’s a cause for gladness.

5.12.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Some reading. Some Patreon work. Some video watching. 1.57 mile walk. Made coconut curry for dinner. Started reading The Phantom Tollbooth to girls.

5.13.12 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Amy, Mom, Michaela, Gmama. Read to girls. 1.50 mile walk. Zoom birthday call for Kelsey and Kyley’s birthday. Watched The Masked Singer.

5.13.20 11:29 A.M.

It’s interesting because life is always in flux – somehow, to some extent. But this flux becomes a learning of how to roll with the waves, how to adapt. Sticking to a routine feels tough.

5.14.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Michaela. Talked to Siafu. Made card for Mom’s birthday. Fossil searching with Alma and the girls. Cousin Joey over. 2.06 mile walk. Read.

5.15.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Joey and Benny over. Stevie using his new smoker. Read. Sushi for lunch. 3.06 mile walk. Audrey over in afternoon. Alma went for a birthday drive-by for a coworker.

5.15.20 11:45 A.M.

The snow globe has been shaken and now the false snow drifts down from its swirl. I drift to rest not sure what my new landscape will look like. Cousins added to circle. Changes in schedule. The backyard now a frequented spot by more than just me and the dog. Trying to lay hold of my own routine, my own creative purpose. Isn’t being alive enough? Yes and no. No for me. For myself. For my own expectations and plans.

Leaf shadows dance on the dark arms of the tree outside my window.

I’ve lost the thread of the story I thought I might write.

The character fades into a silhouette. Does this other character take his place?

Nothing sounds good to eat because what I really want is avocado toast or honeyed and buttered toast. And while I might want it, I choose not to have it.

Stirrings to Do. Walk a long way. Settle into some work. Read productively. Serve some purpose. Don’t be wasted. Don’t be a waste.

Tired like I’ve expended energy in an all-out effort. My body some type of weather gauge.

5.16.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Mom’s birthday. Talked to Mom. Waffles and egg brunch. Cleaned. Read two chapters of The Phantom Tollbooth to girls. Started reading The Testaments by Margaret Atwood. Watched the 2020 Graduation on TV with fam. Watched The Voice. NRSD restart 3.

5.16.20 9:29 A.M.

“Ten thousand flowers in spring,

the moon in autumn,

a cool breeze in summer,

snow in winter.

If your mind isn’t clouded by

unnecessary things, this is

the best season of your life.”

Wu Men Hui-k’ai

[heard in a meditation led by Tara Brach]

5.16.20 11:29 P.M.

Mom’s birthday.

Here there was laughter. An effervescent thing – like fizzy lifting juice. Takes you higher.

   

5.17.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Read in room. Allergies acting up today. Tired. Joey and Benny over. Annabelle over. Talked to Phin, Gmama, Mic. Read to girls. Worked puzzle with Annabelle and SJ. Watched part of The Greatest Showman. Zmata Aaron drove by to pick up some smoked meat from Stevie.

5.18.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Marie. Talked to Dad. Talked to Michaela. 1.60 miles walk while on phone. Finished reading The Testaments. Received rejection from agent who had requested full manuscript. Finished reading The Phantom Tollbooth to girls. Started a fantasy-world-mashup story write-in with girls. Did a good part of an Orange Theory workout with A and S and Joey.

5.19.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Worked on blog. Talked to Michaela. Talked to Siafu. 2.34 mile neighborhood walk. Talked to Gmama. Played Uno Flip with the girls. Alma made butternut squash soup. NRSD Restart #4 1 page/113 words. Started reading A Wrinkle in Time to girls.

5.19.20 Afternoon

Sharing the details of my daily life gives me a belly exposed feeling of vulnerability. There are layers of protection I put up even in my personal writings. I notice this. When typing this out, there’s even more desire to add layers, to cut, to edit, to conceal. To make a narrative, to interpret. There is also always the desire to shield others’ privacy.

5.20.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Amy. Texted with Marie and Rachel. Talked to Michaela. Talked to Mom. Worked on blog and NRSD. NRSD 2/624. 1.03 mile walk. Sore from Orange Theory workout. Read to girls. After-dinner writing sesh with girls. Hot tub.  

5.20.20 10:48 A.M.

The power is out.

The kids are playing a game.

When they finish, we’ll read.

Which is, of course, contingent upon the power coming on again.

Laughter in the house today.

The power comes back on. So regular day is also back on. Reading will likely happen later.

The 6-year-old cousin tells me, “I liked the story you were reading yesterday.” He got to hear part of The Phantom Tollbooth.

Is that what influence is? Passing on the love for story, reading, books?

5.20.20 10:59 A.M.

It’s time to tunnel my focus.

To set up exactly what I want to do – and then do it.

For my work, mostly.

But also, it might be time to roll on like a tumbleweed.

Soon.

Feeling comfortable here though, today. In this familiar place. Even with the change and flux. Today feels calm. Nice. Companionable.

Thinking about an ideal:

Quiet place to work on a new book.

Space to work in and space to create routine – Funny to think that I want to go further in when so many want to break out and away.

Close to fresh foods. Room to keep fresh stuff in fridge and on counters.

Nature-y places to walk.

Remembering fondly last summer’s Fort Worth apartment.

5.21.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Listened to Health Theory podcast interviewing Andrew Huberman. Meditated for World Meditation Day. A and SJ dropped off and picked up end of year school stuff. Made gluten free strawberry rhubarb pie. Read to girls. Talked to Gmama. 1.25 mile neighborhood walk. Stevie picked up new puppy. NRSD 3/805.

5.21.20 9:54 P.M.

There is great excitement at the arrival of the puppy. Mila. Some terrier thing. Her head dark like someone started to color her in and then got bored leaving the body white except for one ink-blot spot on her back.

Bandito is not thrilled initially. Poor old thing.

But he gets into the excitement too. Wears himself out.

Puppies running is a funny thing. Puppy antics.

It’s going to be crazy around here.

5.22.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Talked to Nancy. Worked on blog. Worked on NRSD 3/937. 2.71 mile walk. Talked to Gmama. Stevie and Alma picked up puppy supplies. Brought dinner in. Read to girls. Played games.  

5.22.20 8:59 A.M.

Escandalo, SJ sings at breakfast.

A dance party might be the thing we all need.

I slept with earplugs in to veil the in and out during the night for the puppy. It’s still not uninterrupted, my sleep.

Stevie says he’s sleep deprived.

Children and puppies will keep you up.

5.23.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Shea’s birthday. Left message for Shea. Cleaned. Worked on blog. Spoke with Shea aka Yoko. Worked on blog. Worked on NRSD 4/1154. Joey, Audrey, Benny over. Jeff and David over. Annabelle over. Outside social distancing togetherness. Talked to Gmama, Michaela, Uncle Jeff. After dinner conversations with Alma, Annabelle, and Stevie.

5.23.20 1:36 P.M.

And just like that my niece is nine. This time last year I got to celebrate in person with her. This year, a phone call and a mailed bday book will have to do.

5.24.20 Day Summary

Superbrain yoga. Five Tibetan Rites. Meditation. French. Russian. Spanish. Finished reading A Wrinkle in Time with girls. Cousins over for outside social distancing. Worked on blog. Worked on NRSD 5/1379. Watched last half of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with the girls. Watched The Freedom Writers with Alma and Stevie.

5.24.20 10:18 A.M. and then 5:59 P.M.

A dream about the danger of snakes.

Having to watch where I put my feet. Knowing, in the dream, that I will get bitten on the foot or on the ankle and die. Or something. A bit of fear, of apprehension, but still I go about in the dream looking for something, trying to accomplish something. Going about my life even with snakes appearing out of piles of clothes or through holes in the wall.